THE STORY OF JARED
Chapter One

	Hi I'm Jared Rend, sometimes called Jared the Bold.  I was born in 
the military city of Dragonshead.  It's on the moon The Wilderlands.  The 
Wilderlands is a puny excuse for moon, that orbits Oerth, along with some 
other moon with some assinine name like the Phantasmal Reaches or something 
like that.  My father was the right hand man for the king of Dragonshead, he
was of noble blood, and if he killed off eight people, he could have been 
king.  My father's name is Sisserell, his wife is Rowena, and my mother's 
name is Lewenna.  You may find this odd, but many of the nobles had 
mistresses, my father was no exception.  
	I grew up being a little palace brat, stealing candy from the 
peasant children, when they had some, and seducing the young maidens, then I
turned 150 years old.  I am of the noble race of the Grey Elves, so this is 
the same as a human age of 14.  That's when I got sent off to Cavalier 
school.  When I graduated from page school and went on to squire, my father 
told me for the first time about my real mother, and also told me she had 
died of the black coughing disease eleven years ago, at the time I was 175. 
I was so happy when he told me this, for now I realized it wasn't incest 
when I had screwed who I thought to be my mother.  
	35 years later I graduated, boy us Elves must be dumb, from Cavalier
school and became a full fledged Armiger.  You're probably wondering what 
that means aren't you?  Well so did I, so I went into our library and pulled 
out that sacred tome..."Webster's Unabridged Dictionary" and looked it up.  
It means one who bares arms, and one rank below Knight.  Surely this is 
wrong, for I am in truth six ranks below Knight, from hence forth I have 
never again used Webster's for anything more important than wiping my ass.  
	The King of dragonshead realized that I was a pretty tough dude so 
he wanted to enlist me in his army.  I said buzz off, because I wanted to 
prove to my older brother, who was going to inherit the money, that I was 
better than him.  That's how I decided that I would become an adventurer.  
By the way I am the youngest of three children, my sister is 19 years older 
than I and my brother is 33 years older.  This may seem rather odd, but you 
have to realize that for an Elven family the placing of children is normal 
and that 3 children is a large family for elves.  
	I needed some fellow dudes to adventure with, so I headed over to 
the wizards guild.  I ran into this prestidigitator, who admired my physical
beauty so much that he volunteered to become my henchman.  He was about as 
smart as I am, which is pretty smart, but he was as strong as my sister, 
which is very weak.  I almost told him to eat me when I found out his name 
was Corn the Hole Anus.  I realized that I would need a thief, so I headed 
for the gallows to see if there would be any hanging around.  
	I found two of them, but they were so bad they couldn't even untie a
knot.  I left them flapping in the wind and went into the dungeons to check 
out this tough looking young Elf that could be a thief.  Sure enough I found
him trying to escape by digging through the walls with a wooden spoon.  He 
said he would go on an adventure with me for 60% of the treasure, so I 
turned around and started to leave, but he started crying and screaming, and
he said he'd be my thief for an equal share of the bucks.  With my leverage 
as a noble, I was able to knock the guard out with a chair, and I sprung the
thief.  He had this little Dwarf hencher named M.D. Droopy, or was it Droopy
M.D.?  Either way we called him Doc Droopy for short, which he was.  
	As we got ready to leave for an adventure, this big ugly dumb 
jackass of a lawful monk came up and politely told us that he was going to 
accompany us on our adventure.  It was all Eldelia, the thief, could do to 
keep me from backstabbing him in his sleep.  Before we had left for an 
adventure, Cornhole had stolen this fuckheads holy symbol and turned it into
silver pennies so that we could have a few farewell drinks at the local 
tavern.  That night we tried to sneak off without the monk, named Bruno, but
he had tied a rope to his horse and big toe, and we had dragged him halfway 
across the city before he woke up.  

Chapter Two
Our First Adventure


	There was really only one place on our planet(moon) where evil ran 
wild and that adventure would be easy to find, that was the Darklands.  We 
found a caravan selling sexual paraphernalia heading that way, so we went 
with them.  Their navigator was a big fucking idiot, and thought that there 
was a shortage of dildos in the desert or something, because that is where 
we went.  Before we saw a single sex starved nomad, we got hit by a 
sandstorm that separated us from the caravan, it wouldn’t have been so bad, 
except that Bruno was still with us.  After about five minutes of travelling,
we were totally lost.  
	In a few days we found a deserted ruin of an ancient city.  Inside 
we found a dead Hobgoblin and just enough traps to almost kill Eldelia in 
the first room.  We went down underground, into this old ruins, in search 
of  food and people.  The first people we met were totally insane, and 
thought Doc Droopy was their king.  We got away from those psychopaths and 
killed some beetles that glowed in the dark.  We went down to the next level
to see if we could find anyone sane.  
	The Faction of Gorm ran into us, they were a bunch of men who 
worshipped some fuckhead named Gorm, the Ever Pulling Penis.  We were 
friendly with them even though they were dicks.  The rest of this level had 
stairs going down, lizards, which we ran from, and other shit like that.   
Then we found an old temple with a passage slanting down into the floor, we 
went down.
Here a bunch of Zargonese assholes came out and acted friendly until we were
in the midst of them, then they pulled their weapons on us, and since they 
had us outnumbered three to one, we had to surrender.  They tied us up in 
the temple and kicked us around.  Bruno got so scared that he pissed his 
robes.  When some more backups came, they brought us down into a room under 
their temple, but soon had to send most of their guard away to fight off  
some enemy faction that had come along.  
	I broke my bonds, and shortly after we were all untied.  A cleric 
tried to cast a spell on us, but Droopy jumped on him and bit his ankles.  
Everbody started fighting and Bruno showed his courage by bolting out the 
door, luckily some of the guards chased him.  We mopped up these dildos and 
went to find Bruno, with visions of him laying dead dancing in our heads.  
Too our dismay, he had escaped the guards and headed back to find us.  
	After that we went looking for things to kill, but instead found 
room full of treasure, with giant bees for guards.  Half of them were dead 
before the Gorms came running in to see what the hell was going on.  We ran 
out the backdoor before they could get a good look at us.  
	Later we met up with them and they took us to their lair and asked 
us why we tried to steal their treasure.  We said it wasn’t us, but they 
didn’t believe this lie, so Cornhole charmed the main dude and we escaped.  
They sent most of their guys after us and we kicked their asses all over the
dungeon before the survivors ran for home, with us in pursuit.  I killed 
their leader, and we looted the treasure room.
	Our party ventured into the next level of dungeon entertainment in 
search of fame, fortune, and clean bathrooms.  We wandered around killing 
things like ants and frogs, before we met another faction of men.  These 
bozos worshipped this little brat who tied snakes around his neck for kicks.
This faction, of Usimigaris, was all magic users, and they didn’t even 
pretend to like us.  Bruno decided it was time to show his incredible 
intillectual capacity, so he went back to them, just after we had left, and 
force fed their leader a crossbow bolt.  I seem to remember tripping him up 
as we all tried to escape.  The last we saw of Bruno was him being stuck to 
the wall by a magical web, as we ran for safety.  Luckily Bruno was 
entertaining enough so they let us go.  
	We ran down some halls and found a room with a wicker basket sitting
in the middle of the floor.  I tried to lift it, but it was incredibly heavy,
inside there were a couple of snakes and a large amount of gold.  While we 
tried to find a way to get the treasure out without letting the snakes out, 
I found a secret door.  I opened it and got swamped by a huge wave of water.
Plate mail doesn’t make a very good swimming suit, so I looked for a way to 
drain the water.  I held my breath and walked into the room the water had 
come from, and found another secret door, when I opened it, the water began 
to immediately drain from the rooms.  
	I came back to see how the others had fared, and found out the 
snakes had killed Cornhole.  It seems the water had knocked the top off the 
basket and the snakes had attacked.  Luckily only Corn had been bitten, and 
the other two had killed the snakes.  In the new room, that I found when I 
was trying to escape the water, there lay on the ground this human fighter 
type dude, who wasn’t pale like all the faction members.  We revived him, 
and he said his name was Stupid Ass Son of a Bitch, no that’s not right, it 
was something like Big Sword Herbalescent, yeah that was it.  He seemed to 
have lost his memory and didn’t know anything else about himself except that
he was a ranger.  Well we had already lost two assholes and we needed 
someone to laugh at, so we let him join us.  His name should have been 
Shithead the Uncoordinated, for that is what he was.  
	Just a few stretches of hallway and many corners later, we saw two 
statues of big titted females with weapons.  Down the hall a bit farther we 
ran into this ugly looking lady who claimed to be of the faction of Warrior 
Maidens.  Our hardons turned limp at the thought of a bunch of ugly beasts 
like her, but we followed her to their home to see if any of them were good 
looking.  Surprise, there were some gorgeous babes their.  That day, or 
night, whatever it was, turned into one big orgy.  We stayed with the girls 
for a while, and they brought us to their huge underground city.  It was in 
an immensely large cavern, that was lit by glowing rocks that were all over 
the place.  It seems that all the factions had their own temples and 
fortresses in the city.  There were also gardens and a lake with an island 
in the center.  This is where they got their food and water.  
	We went out adventuring for a while, and ran into some hobgoblins 
that had a gnome and two human captives.  We killed the hobbers, and freed 
the captives.  The humans were Renton a fighter and Mystorion a magic user, 
they both became my henchers.  Raxxlar was the name of the gnome and he was 
an illusionist who became Eldelias hencher.  We went back to the ladies, and
found out that some of them were pregnant, so we got the hell out of the 
ruins with as much food, water, and treasure that we could carry.
	


Coming Soon

Chapter Three
The Days of Wandering

thru 

Chapter Five
Me and the Gods