ME AND RENTON
I am Mystorion Erll, a magic user by profession and a drug dealer by
choice. This is my story how me and Renton Sanford became servants of Jared
the bold Rend. It all started when I was young and all the kids made fun of
me because I was fat. I learned how to cast simple cantrips from my uncle,
Sanitorium. With these spells I learned how to make it sound as though you
belched when it was really me using my spells. I started to blackmail
other kids into giving me their sisters for a little fun or else I would
make them fart in church. Then I blackmailed Renton and he hit me in the
back of the head with a rock. We fast became friends, and he became a
fighter.
We lived in a city near the Ghinor Highlands, and there was more
drugs coming out of the nearby Darklands than there is in the Wild Coast.
Of course we decided to get into the action, so one night myself, armed with
a dagger and sleep spell, and Renton, armed with a long bow and short sword,
attacked a drug warehouse.
"Hey you asshole" I said, "get the fuck behind a tree" as the
nightwatch came slobbering drunk around the corner. This was our first run
at danger and Renton couldn’t wait to kill somebody, so he waited for the
last bum to go by, and then he came after him with his sword raised. I had
barely enough time to hit him with a sleep spell before he swung at the dude.
Luckily the watchman didn’t hear the thump behind him as Renton kissed the
ground. I went over to him, when the watch had left, and woke him up.
"Listen you shiteating fuckhead" I yelled, "you almost fot us dead".
"Yeah, well you didn’t hav’ta put me out." he stuttered.
"Lets get the drugs."
"All right but I get to kill him next time."
We snuck up to the warehouse and knocked on the door so we could
get in. The guard came over and asked us what he was swimming in. We both
realized that this guy had been into the stuff he was guarding, so Renton
kicked the door open, and was instantly assaulted by the narcotic smokes of
reefer and opium, along with a few other drugs. Me and Renton both went in
and joined the guard in euphoric bliss. The only thing I remember was
floating in a sea of earwax and eating polyester socks. Renton said that he
remembered being raped by an elephant. All three of us woke up the next
morning to the sounds of a screaming warthog.
"Get that damn animal out of here" the guard yelled.
"I’m trying to" yelled Renton, "but my legs are tied to your teeth!"
I noticed that is was not a warthog and that it was in fact a man,
who turned out to be the pusher who owned this stash that the guard was
snorting.
"We are in deep shit" I said slowly as the realization sunk into my
bowels.
"You’re damn right" the dude said.
After a lot of lying and begging, we got off the hook and the guy
hired us to get drugs out of the Darklands and bring them in for sale. On
our first mission, we got lost in some desert, looking for black lotus, and
ended up in some ruins where they had a drug that drove people insane. We
were gathering as much as we could when some hobgoblins grabbed us and took
us captive. Shortly after we got locked up with this gnome illusionist
named Raxxlar, who had been lost here also. Then came Jared and his party
and rescued us. The rest is in another story if you’re interested, and if
not then go eat out a dog and smoke dried horse dung.
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