The Way it REALLY Went!
IT’S A CROCK!
First of all, I would like to thank BOBODUM LICKASS OBSTETRICIAN for
being the most asinine in all creation, because it it weren’t for him, I
would have that rank. Second of all, I would like to say several things on
anything and everything in general, but I no longer have the mind to do that,
having fried my brains on several a kilo of some of the purest shit I’ve
ever seen.
Anyway, I will get on with it. It seems several members of the
adventuring party I happen to be a member of, have been writing the stories
of their adventures (which are also mine). Now I must inform you of the
real story, not the fictional shit they have been feeding to the public
lately.
It all started when I was a young, friendless gnome in our cave.
Since I had no friends, I left the worm hole normal gnomes call "homes", I
met this shit headed gnome who happened to have no friends either. We
quickly became arch-enemies, but seeing as he was some 800 years old, older
than normal gnomes even dream of living, I had the upper hand. I forced him
to teach me his illusionistic abilities, and quickly mastered them. When I
finished with him I stole his money, as well as the shirt off his back, and
burned his hut, leaving him with absolutely nothing. I then headed to the
Darklands, where I could raise power and denounce the hideously disgusting
race of gnomes.
Immediately, I was lost in a desert, having been kidnapped by a band
of brigands. The brigands dumped me when they realized they couldn’t get a
ransom for me from my mother even if the umbilical cord were still attached.
Being totally lost in the desert is not one of the tougher situations I had
been in, and I immediately found shelter in an ancient ruined pyramid, and
was ambushed by several ogres. I held my own for nearly twenty minutes,
narrowing the odds to some 35 to 1, when one of the cheap retards swatted me
on the back of the head with a tree limb the size of a Toyota.
I was taken to a cell somewhere while I rested, and was locked up
with a bumbling fighter and a mumbling magic user. Taking charge of the
situation, I immediately sprung us from the dungeon. Once freed, we met
another party of bumbling retards, which I again took command of. Under my
rule, I nourished this half starved band of stragglers into an organized,
efficient, and effective adventuring unit. We womped our way through that
dungeon hole, and went on to bigger, more challenging obstacles on the path
to inter-planar dominance.
Under my command, a massive army is forming to wage warfare on the
wart covered race of gnomes, a race I have learned to despise more than I
despise myself. Good day, and happy conquering.