Second Adventure: "Horsemeat, get your horsemeat…anyone?"
Soon after arriving in town, the owner of the badger was let out of prison, he was a gnome named Refanij, he had the characteristically huge gnomish nose and a rather swarthy appearance. He introduced himself as the finest scout in the kingdom. I, of course, believed none of his extravagant claims. His badger seemed happy to see him, and I soon learned that it was a wolverine, not a badger, named Kleebo. Having never seen either one before, it didn't really matter to me. the muffin man picked up two dogs that he had left behind at some dog temple, previously, and Orion fell for a rather large and beastly Amazon named Barda, she had a voice deeper than her testicles.
It seems excitement wasn’t too far away either, for a human, or at least a human appearing person came up to us and introduced himself as Zach, a member of the Cornhole Merchants Guild. He said that there were a bunch of nasty little goblins that had been raiding travellers on the roadways between here and Cornholio. He gave us the goblin's location, and offered to pay us a nice piece of change per goblin head. I, being ever trusting of people who misrepresent themselves, followed the slug back to his tavern, where he stayed long enough for me to get bored and go home.
The next day, we all gathered our weapons up and rushed to the goblin's nasty little hole, in hopes of killing many a goblin. Unfortunately the centaur was unable to fit inside the goblin tunnels and was forced to stay outside and guard the entrance. Soon after entering, we got ambushed on a rope bridge, with most of the party on one side, and myself and some useless sissy prestidigitator on the other. I took out all the goblin's on my side of the bridge, while the rest of the party nearly died fighting off the two or three goblins on the other side of the bridge. Had it not been for the badger, I would have been walking home alone that day.
We needed a little recovery time, so we went back to the entrance, to find it blocked by boulders. When we finally got the entrance cleared, we found the centaur lying dead amongst several goblin corpses. He put up a good fight, but lost in the end. I wish I could say that it was a sorrowful moment, but no one really seemed to care. I took his tail, in hopes of returning it to his family, or at least turning a nice coin for its use in a magical potion or something. The shady Burbon fellow suggested that we carve up his body, as he claimed "horsemeat is a good eat". We were all abhored, so we ran his useless ass off. The centaur, we left for the wolves.
By the time we had recovered enough to reenter the caves, a hideous half-orc had come up to us and introduced himself as Klitoro. Gods was he ugly, it looked like his parents had burned his face off as a child in hopes that a better looking one would grow back, and repeated the process at each birthday. The walking freak show wished to join us in slaying goblins. Never one to turn down a human shield, I invited him to join us. After we had finished fighting some goblins, the elephant man attacked Refanij. His gruesome life was cut hideously short. Somewhere along the way, I pilfered a ring from a goblin leader's body, I sensed it was of a magical nature, so I stashed it in my pouch for a more detailed investigation later. We killed many goblins, and finally left the caves.
On our way back to town, we happened across a nest of stirges, so I chased them down and sucked them of their life's blood. Nothing is sweeter than fresh stirge.
Third Adventure: "Nice sword"
Again we went back to the little town for drinking and carousing. The beer was good, the slatterns poor. Our reverie was disturbed by a rather timid fellow, going by the name of Dullass, who asked us if we would help rescue his friends, who'd been lost in some caverns a couple days travel from town. Ever the eager group, I was dragged along unwillingly from a rather smelly harlot by the gnome, to take up the cause of this annoying human in search of dead friends. Mention of a reward soon changed my mood. We were also joined by a short and nearly immobile mass of sword wielding elven muscle named Taladar, and a snobbish human buffoon named Troj-enz, who claimed to be a spell caster of limited power. I picked up a pig from a local farmer, as it was easier for my meal to walk on its own accord, rather than I carry it. We would have reached the site in one day, if we hadn't had to pull the elven muscle head's rigid body most of the way.
In any event, we arrived at the location where the rescue mission leader, Dullass, claimed to have lost his friends. It was a big hole in the ground, with a few tunnels shooting in different directions. Me and the gnome decided to take a quick look inside the tunnels while the rest of the party set up camp. Much to our surprise, we found the corpse of what probably was one of the missing adventurers, and some little bugs that swarmed us, forcing us to exit the hole. The ugly little insects chased us out of the hole, and it took several of us to finally kill off and chase back the lot of them.
So much for scouting out the tunnels. We set watch for the night, determined to enter the caves en masse the next morning. The night passed uneventfully, except for the hobgoblins that decided our camp would be a good location for a mass suicide. I cooked up the pig for a fresh ham and bacon breakfast. The party armored up, cast prepatory spells and we headed into the caves. We skirmished with more of the bugs from the day before, as well as a cave fisher that decided it would make a meal of Refanij. I put an arrow right between its eyes, and the threat was ended. We found another body of the missing group, odds of us finding a survivor were pretty grim.
Another turn in the cavern, and we entered a chamber where a large tentacled caterpillar scrambled out of a hole in the floor and knocked Refanij senseless with its stinging tentacles. The rest of us attacked it and soon ended its worthless life. The remains of the last of the missing adventurers was found in the caterpillar's hole. With it was a fancy looking sword, which we were told would fetch us a reward, as it was a family heirloom of the deceased's. We had to drag the limp gnome from the caves, and it was quite some time before he regained control of his limbs, its unfortunate that he somehow misplaced one of his eyebrows during the recovery. We ate lunch and gathered for a second assault on the miserable caverns.
This time we entered purely for the enjoyment of killing critters, it’s a real shame that we were all in it for the money. Again we were swarmed by more of the beetle insects. It didn't go well for us, and I found myself holding off the nasty bugs, while those that could still stand dragged away those that couldn't. We all escaped with our lives, but barely. Finally it hit us, the adventurers that had entered before us were all dead, and we would be as well if we continued crawling around in there. We broke camp and headed back to town.
We arrived safely. The party headed out of town to return the sword for the offered reward, while I stayed behind to spend time inspecting the ring that I had picked up from the goblins. The timid Dulass led the way. The ring, I discovered, turned out to provide limited protection to the wearer from edged weapons. Not a bad device for someone in my line of work. The rest of the party returned with the reward. Apparently Mr. Timid took offense when they decided that his failure to contribute during any of the battles we had, would net him a much smaller portion of the reward than he was expecting. The party members mocked him, and he ran off crying, and vowing revenge. We decided that we'd drained this area of adventure and Trojan Ribbed, promised that he'd show us a good time in his home city of Rel Mord.
Just as we were set to leave, Dulass returned, and begged Brand to let him come with us. His lack of assistance previously and his poor attitude would be hard for the rest of us to swallow, so he was forced to do something for each of us before we would let him join our party. Refanij made him polish his boots after walking through all the horse manure he could find. Taladar chose to throw him head first through a window, its too bad his aim was low. Orion deferred his favor and gave it to his hench-thing Barda. We can only guess what she did with him in her room all night, but his neck, wrists and ankles were severely rope burned the next morning. Ramses Ribbed made Dullass serve him breakfast lunch and dinner wearing nothing but a bow tie. After seeing the abuse that the poor fellow was taking, I decided to be kind and only made him walk through town blindfolded, with his left foot shoved up the ass of a dead chicken. Brand hasn't said what he made Dullass do, but I have noticed some peculiar stains on the lapel of Dullass's robe. With nothing better to do, we headed south for Rel Mord, a five-day journey, for most.
Fourth Adventure: "The House that Hobgoblins Built"
Somewhere along the way, we ended up entering the Palace of the Silver Princess. I was assured by the gods that it would be improved upon from its original construction. We entered the building and were set upon by hobgoblins and gorillas, or so I was told, as it was quite difficult for me to differentiate between the two. Again, I get ahead of myself. We entered the building, after hearing that it contained treasure and danger. Some of the party was more interested in the danger part than I was. In any event we entered and got in a couple of skirmishes. In one room, we spotted a golden dragon statuette, and then were attacked. After fighting off the inhabitants, we noticed that the statue was gone. Much discussion was had regarding its potential whereabouts, some even accused me of grabbing it during the fray.
Later on we were attacked by a large horde of gorilla and hobgoblin, I was able to draw some of the attackers away, helping the party out immensely. I made it safely outside of the old palace, and decided to take a walk around the outskirts of the building. I then dug a hole to bury the dragon statuette in, and waited for the rest of the party to arrive. They also we able to escape safely, and continued pestering me about the whereabouts of the golden dragon. After offering my bags for inspection, they were forced to desist their ungrounded accusations.
We rested and recuperated before venturing in once again. More excitement was to be found, but I don't remember where or what it was. What I do remember is that I had just used my spell of unseen servant to circumnavigate a potential trap, and snag a crystal harp, when some obnoxious creatures opened fire on us with arrows. The attack came from down a flight of stairs leading into the basement of the building. The attackers were hidden in darkness, and we heard the sound of fleeing footsteps. Inspection of the arrows revealed the high probability that our attackers were more hobgoblins. Fearing an ambush, we took our time and cautiously made our way down the stairs and hallway. Another flight of arrows was launched at us, but we were missed. The moving mass of muscle, Taladar, picked up a table, and used it as a shield as we made our way down the hallway. We kicked in a few doors, and eventually chased our prey into a cavernous area. They seemed to be cornered in a cave, near a fork in the tunnel and a flight of stairs, so the party went in for the kill.
Being the only member of the party with any brains whatsoever, I stayed back and picked a hidden spot where I could watch the stairs and look out for the all too obvious ambush. Much to my surprise, the hobgoblins started yelling, "They're here!" as soon as my compatriots entered the cavern. A battle ensued, and shortly after, a large number of hobgoblins came down the stairs and attacked my friends from behind, trapping them in the cave. From my hidden location, I killed one the hobgoblins with an arrow, and was able to attract the attention of another, and draw him away from the fight. After dispatching him, I returned to my friends, to find that they had survived the battle thanks in most part to a sleep spell cast by Lifestyles Lubricated. We stripped the bodies of valuables, and headed for the exit. Apparently the rest of the party had lost their taste for being ambush fodder.